Do you find yourself struggling with difficult people? You struggle with person A, B, C, D, and E. There is always something. You wonder why you have all these difficult people in your life.
Think about it this way. Imagine you are managing employees. Employee A has a conflict with employees B, C, and D. If employees B, C, and D all get along, you would likely come the conclusion there is an issue with employee A.
Here is a crazy thought: What if you are employee A?
Consider the possibility that if you have an issue with so many people that the culprit might not be the other people. Maybe the issue lies with you. Rather than look for others to come around to your way of thinking, consider if there is something that is going on inside of you.
This is not to say that another person is not at fault in a conflict. What I am saying is that it may not be their fault alone. Conflict goes both ways. There is rarely an instance of one-sided conflict. Are you willing to ask yourself the hard questions? Are you willing to see your part in a conflict and own up to it?
Dealing with difficult people starts with dealing with yourself and that may be the most difficult person. That is the person you have to look at in the mirror every day. That is the person you have to live with every hour. That is the one person from whom you cannot get away. And that is the person who is often least willing to admit they are wrong.
But here is the good news! While you cannot control the way other people respond to conflict, you can control the way you respond. Is your response a humble and godly response? Or is your response filled with pride and resistance?
Are you asking of others, what you are not asking of yourself? Are you looking for others to change, when you are not willing to change yourself? Are you asking others to address their character flaws, when you’re not willing to address your own?
We look for the other person to change, but the change starts with me. We easily see where others are to blame. We less easily see where the blame lies with us. In the same way, we easily see where others should take responsibility. We less easily see where we should take responsibility.
We look to Jesus who did not wait for us to take responsibility for reconciliation. He took the initiative himself.
All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:18–20 (ESV)
The work of reconciliation starts with Jesus. But as we read the verse above we see that he gives us the ministry of reconciliation. The first step towards reconciliation with other is to first be reconciled with God.
Maybe, just maybe . . .
If there is something not right in your relationship with others, there is something not right with your relationship with God. Ultimately, your relationship with other people is a reflection of your relationship with God. The first step to getting right with others is to let God have his way with you and allow him to deal with the most difficult person of all. Let him do the heavy lifting of changing your heart.
Questions for Reflection
- Do you agree conflict goes both ways? Why or why not?
- Why is it difficult to see your flaws?
- How do you take ownership for your part in a conflict?
- Share your comments.
Darlene says
Conflict often goes both ways. But there are people with oppositional defiant disorder, abusive tendencies, alcoholism, anger issues, etc. that bear a greater share of the conflict. Some people are determined to “pick a fight.”