Recently, I had a reader ask a question about dealing controlling people. You may have someone who continually tries to take advantage of your good nature. They look to heap burdens on you and expect more from you than you can give.
Many of you reading this are kind-hearted. You don’t like to say no. You want to help. It is in your nature to serve. Unfortunately, some people will look to exploit your kind-heartedness. Sometimes they do it intentionally and other times not.
Learn to Say No
Sometimes the reason people take advantage of you is because you let them. Learn to say no. No is not a bad word. Some boundaries are necessary. Ask God to give you the courage to preserve those boundaries.
It’s Not Your Job to Make Others Happy
Many of us are people-pleasers. We want to make other people happy. But Jesus does not call us to make people happy, he called us to make disciples. There were many times Jesus said and did things that did not make people happy and even made them angry.
Recognize that Sometimes Helping Hurts
Sometimes our helping hurts. Do you find yourself doing for others what they can do for themselves? It's is called enabling. It sets up a dangerous precedence. When you continually do something for someone that they can do themselves, they will continue to expect you to do it.
Love Yourself
Jesus tells us to love your neighbors as yourself (see Matthew 29:32). The focus on this verse is often on “love your neighbor.” But the second part is equally important. There comes a time when some people will love their neighbor MORE than themselves. They will go to great lengths for their neighbor but are unwilling to go to the same lengths for themselves. You can’t effectively love others without loving yourself.
If It Is Not Important
If it is not important to anyone else, then why is it important to you? We see this in churches where a lone volunteer is fighting to keep a project alive. They feel burdened and unappreciated, yet sense that everyone expects them to get it done. If you are that person, and you don’t have the support, consider reinvesting your time and energy somewhere else. If a project is unappreciated, is there much value in it?
Know Who You Are and Where You Are Going
Know who you are! Something I have seen is that if you don’t know what your priorities are, then other people will determine them for you. It starts with having a clear sense of self and a mission in life. When you know where you are going, you have an easier time saying no. There will always be controlling and selfish people, but if you have a clear direction in your life, they will have less of an influence.
Covenant Relationships
Covenant relationships are important. God is in the business of covenants. He first established a covenant with Abraham. Setting expectations up front is much easier than after the fact. Anytime enter into a long-term relationship with someone, create the expectations at the beginning.
In all of this, remember that it is not about changing another person's heart. That is God's work. And the best way to deal with difficult people is to let God do his work in your heart.
Questions for Reflection
- Are people in your life controlling because you have allowed them to be?
- What are some other steps you can take to deal effectively with controlling and selfish people?
- What is one thing you can implement from today’s list?
- Share your comments.
kayle says
The controlling person in my life is my husband. I’ve done things for him over the years and he just expects it. It is so hard for me because I’m a pleaser by nature and he is a complainer. I feel responsible for his crankiness. I never did until I quit working. I feel like since I don’t contribute as much financially, I need to make up for it. Nothing is or ever will be good enough for him and I now have a lot of anxiety. I know that I shouldn’t have given him so much power but now it’s hard to relinquish it. I don’t know if this makes sense.
JOAN says
Kayle – I understand, as sometimes I feel the same way (and he is retired, so he’s here all day). Whenever I start to feel unworthy I turn it over to God. HE is my strength & in Him I find Power. It also helps to know that God gave me this job & I will delight in it. My worth is from God, not people. I am responsible for my own happiness. I can go through a day with a happy heart or a sad heart. In the end, it all pays the same – so I would rather be glad. I do not have to be responsible for another’s happiness – that’s their job. IF I find myself thinking I’m the cause of another’s crankiness, I realize this as MY control issue. Am I trying to manipulate their feelings so I can feel better? Have a blessed day – and continue to be a blessing, not as a way to feel worthy, but because God loves you.
Dawn says
Thanks, Joan. Your words hit something in me. And the devotion ended with “it is not up to us to change someone’s heart. That is God’s job…” I need to remind myself of that very often….it gave me peace.
Linda says
I am the church treasurer. My second term ends December 31, 2015. So far no one in the church has stepped up to the task of running for this office. I have been in this position for four plus years and need a break. My husband feels that I have been diligent in serving, and it is time for another person to agree to run for this office or pay the consequences of having to hirer an individual/company to do this work. Of course that would place a large burden on the budget. I feel guilty because I am capable. The church by-laws limit board positions to 2 – two year terms. Many people in the church put their trust in me to run the financial operations. How do I get over this feeling of guilt?
Phil Ressler says
Hi Linda- thanks for sharing your comments. I know the task of being a church treasurer is a big job. It is like having a part-time job that you don’t get paid for. The offering of your time has been an incredible gift to your church. You expressed in your comment that you need a break. Those term limits are put into place for good reasons. Just because you can do something, does not mean you should be doing something. I hope that no one in my church ever does something out of guilt. When we start doing things because we “should” do something, we are doing it all for the wrong reasons. If it does not bring you joy serving, then it may be God’s way of nudging you along. Even if you stepped away for awhile, maybe you could come back to serve again at a later date. But it sounds like you need to step away for at least a tim.e
Some thoughts – is there a way you could divide the tasks? Share the tasks with another person. Then the job is not as big for any one person. You would be more likely to get a volunteer in this situation. You would also have someone who could take over. Succession planning is important. I have a motto that I learned early in ministry to never do ministry alone. As you served as treasurer, did you have a plan for what would happen if something happened to you and you could no longer do the job? The truth is that you cannot do the job forever. You are in a much better place to transition the work now. Even if you do continue to serve I would only serve on the condition that there is a succession plan in place with a timeframe.
Phil Ressler says
Kayle- Thank you for sharing that. It is definitely easier to deal with the controlling people in our lives that we are not as intimately connected with. I would suggest you consider some sort of marriage counseling. If you have a pastor I am sure he would be happy to meet with you and your husband. If your husband is not up to that, there is a book called Love and Respect that I like to recommend for you to read. I have used it with many couples with great success. I think it might have some good insight for you. A big question I have is if your husband is intentionally controlling or is it something he is unaware of. It is important that you honor your husband. At the same if it crosses the line to be abusive, you need to protect yourself.